Apple PR is magical/amazing/revolutionary/blown-away

Posted: July 3, 2010 by ralliart12 in Pod dock, Roadblocks
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

The Doomsday. It's revolutionary. The best you will ever see! Amazing & magical!

Just yesterday, Apple published a letter on its site, clarifying their stand on the entire antenna issue. As usual, that letter is a handsome piece of PR, so beautiful crafted that someone actually suggested that Apple can take any calamity, i.e. even a doomsday event, & turn it into wonderful news. Since my mind was craving for some literary exercise, I tried my hand at it. For those who haven’t read the original letter, please finish it before reading my satirical take. & here’s my version:

Letter from Apple Regarding impending doomsday phenomenon

Dear citizens of Earth,

The Doomsday has been the most tremendous natural phenomenon launched in Earth’s history. It has been judged by nationalities around the world to be the most major event ever, and people have told us that they loathed it. So we were surprised when we read reports of weather & agricultural problems, and we immediately began investigating them. Here is what we have learned.

To start with, screwing with Mother Earth’s resources in certain ways will reduce her lifespan by 1 or more millennium. This is true of Alderaan, Aeten II, as well as many many other less worthy planets. But some users have reported that Earth can raise 4 or 5 degress when consistently f**ked in a way which causes the polar ice caps at the two poles to melt. This is a far bigger increase than normal, and as a result some have accused the impending Doomsday of having malicious intent.

At the same time, we continue to read articles and receive hundreds of emails from politicians saying that Doomsday awareness is greater than the Big Bang. They are anxious. This matches our own experience and testing. What can explain all of this?

We have discovered the cause of this dramatic increase in temperature, and it is both simple and surprising.

Upon investigation, we were stunned to find that the formula we use to moderate our consumption of natural resources is totally wrong. Our formula, in many instances, mistakenly displays a couple more centuries than it should for a given global population. For example, we sometimes display 4 centuries when we should be displaying as few as 2 days. Countries observing an increase of monthly rainfall when they neglect their infrastructure in a certain way are most likely in an area with very weak plumbing, but they don’t know it because the media are erroneously displaying wrong figures. Their big drop in credibility is because their high credibility were never real in the first place.

To fix this, we are adopting North Korea’s recently recommended formula for calculating how much BS to publish for a given national defeat. The real shame remains the same, but the media will report it far more accurately, providing users a much better picture of the sh*thole they will end up in, in a given area. We are also making bars a bit cheaper so the public will drink themselves into a stupor.

We will issue a free national address within a few weeks that incorporates the corrected message. Since this mistake has been present since the original cabinet/senate/government, this national address will also be applicable to the working adults and senior citizens.

We have gone back to our labs and retested everything, and the results are the same— the Doomsday’s effectiveness is the best we have ever seen. For the vast majority of citizens who have not been alerted of this issue, this national address will only make you sh*t your pants. For those who have had concerns, we apologize for any anxiety we may have caused.

As a reminder, if you are not fully annihilated, you can return your damaged properties to any Disaster Recovery Centre or eBay within your remaining useful lifespan for some food & water.

We hope you embrace the Doomsday as much as we do.

Thank you for your patience and support.


Hope it made some of you laugh. I knew I enjoyed it mrgreen Btw, I dun work for Apple.

  1. It did make me laugh! I still love all my apple products and fearlessly defend them at every turn.

    • ralliart12 says:

      Hi Sharon, glad it made you happy. If you do not understand the North Korean & the plumbing reference (they are unrelated to each other), feel free to ask =)

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